Fuck You, I'm a Robot

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At this point, most of them. I celebrate Christmas with my mother, because it's her holiday. I celebrate Chanukah with my father's family, because it's a holiday about anti-assimilation and resistance and also I love latkes. Now I celebrate Yule because most of my friends are pagan.

My own holiday is Hogswatch. It means as much to me as any winter holiday does, in a completely different way. As fiction it encompasses the heart of belief.

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--Chicken gorgonzola from Ciao Amici in Brighton, with their delicious bread and pesto and a nice glass of Cascinetta Vietti Moscato d'Asti. Creme brulee and tiramisu for dessert. This is if I really want to do it up and feel fancy.

--A big fat Reuben from Ronnie's Deli with a chocolate egg cream and all the new pickles I can eat. This is if it's lunchtime.

--Homemade corned beef hash with two eggs over easy, rye toast (white rye, not the stuff with caraway seeds), and good strong coffee. This is if it's breakfast time.

--Kielbasa, sauerkraut, galumpke, pierogis, and a tall glass of Boston Black Porter from the Great Baraboo Brewing Company. This is if it's dinnertime.

--My grandma's chicken soup with matzah balls, homemade gefilte fish with horseradish, charoset, and Red Rose tea with lots of sugar and milk. This is if I want to reconnect with my ancestors.

--A cheese and fruit plate: Goat cheese and water crackers with heirloom cherry tomatoes (bright green and orange-yellow), bleu cheese and whole wheat crackers with Concord grapes, buttery brie and raw cheddar on soft French bread with strawberries and raspberries, with a couple of bottles of Woodchuck cider to wash it down. This is for the afternoon on a nice sunny day.

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If I really thought the world would end, I'd be skipping work to go join my uncles, aunts, and cousins at Relay for Life, which is happening literally in my backyard. But the world isn't ending, and I can't skip work, so I went to keep them company for an hour before work and I shall visit them again after work.

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Screw DeLoreans, they're assembled in Ireland. Buy American, bitches! (Or Detroit will become even more postapocalyptic than it already is.) I did have an idea for a time-traveling CD player long before I read foxywriter's books--the "Forward" button took you forward, the "Back" button took you back, the "Pause" button paused time around you, the "Shuffle" button took you somewhere random, the "Repeat" button put you in a time loop...and you don't ever want to press "Stop."

For the sake of laying low, I'd probably have to go with a fixed-gear bicycle--low-tech, easy to fix if you're stranded somewhere, and portable. For the sake of "running away from danger" type issues, I'd fix it up with an inertia manipulator for the pedals. And a little bell so that you could warn people to get out of your way. Oooh, and streamers on the handlebars!

If you want to actually travel in style, DeLoreans are still boxy as hell and only come in two colors, each uglier than the last. Go with a 1959 Cadillac if you want to look really cool (those are its tailfins in my icon, right there). However, for basic beauty, style, and customization, you want to go with an iconic and beautifully designed Bel-Air--my preference is usualy a '57, but a '59 has the wacky taillights appropriate to a time-traveling machine. My god, cars in the late 1950s were gorgeous. Monsters of gas-guzzling and needless chrome, sure, but absolutely stunning in their conspicuous consumption.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. A time-traveling hipsterbike practically screams "I take Cat and Girl very, very seriously!", while a restored Caddy or Bel-Air (or, heck, if you can already time-travel, just go back and get a brand-new one) screams, "I'm nostalgic for a time that I don't even remember!" A trinket or wearable object like a ring or shoes would work nicely and be inconspicuous (unless you had a pair of Nikes or something dumb like that), but those run a high risk of being stolen, misplaced, or broken.

Anyway, ultimately I'd probably get a custom design by Apple, probably some kind of glowing white sphere that made me look like an angel and would get anyone in the past to obey and listen to me instantly (by dint of being a heavenly sphere). I'm not much of a Mac person, but their stuff just looks so futuristic that it's hard to resist. I suppose the controls would be one of those spinny wheels, but be careful--if you swirl your finger around it too hard, you'll overshoot and end up past the death of the universe.

That, or I'd get GM to design a concept car--the GM Chronora!--complete with a pickup bed, bubble window cab, extremely powerful headlights, built-in GPS and TPS (temporal positioning system), four-wheel drive, acid-resistant body, anti-velociraptor system, and antibiotic holder. And tailfins. Can't forget the tailfins.

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MY INNER ANIMAL IS A LEMUR. Apparently a couple of the furries I play D&D with have decided it is a cat, because I purr when scritched. (Objection: I do not purr, I just go "Mmmm." Purring is therapeutic, going "Mmmm" just means I'm either being cossetted or eating a banana split or trying to do math in my head.) However, LEMURS ALSO PURR. POINT: LEMURS.

They're odd little beings with big floofy tails. They are like monkeys, but are also not like monkeys, because they are a little bit like squirrels. They like fruit. They are good at jumping from tree to tree and also good at hopping up and down like crazy things and also good at lazing about.

( LEMURS )

although if I did wake up an animal I might want to be a kitty, because lemur lives can be sort of difficult in the wild, but kitties with good homes basically get to laze about and be petted and eat and nobody tells them they have to go to work or clean.

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Luck with dice and cards. A predilection towards wanderlust and storytelling. High intelligence and artistic ability. A touch of neurosis on the female side and a touch of aspieness on the male side (I got both!). Diabetes, breast cancer, and a short attention span. And a lovely necklace I got from my great-grandma.

Nobody gets any of these things, except for the necklace, which will go to my closest female relative when I die.