l'shanah tovah
Sep. 29th, 2011 12:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kleenexwomanL'Shanah Tova and Happy New Year.
Since this time last year I got a job, got laterally promoted, found a whole passel of new friends, came to terms with my gender identity, sustained a cat, began to learn to sew, got a new car, lost 20 pounds, did a few months of therapy, and got a girlfriend...the year has been good to me. I hope that the coming year will be just as good and bring as much happiness as this year has, and I hope the coming year is good for all of my friends.
I went to Rosh Hashanah dinner last night, and it was much quieter than usual--I'm used to having a huge houseful of people at holidays, but it was just the immediate family. My uncle who usually holds these things got a great new job in Florida, my grandparents are gone, and it seems like things are dwindling, quieter. There's no one person who's the center of the family now, but that just means that we all have to be the center. The group dynamic of the family has changed, but that just means that we have to find new ways to be family with each other.
One of my favorite cousins also had a stroke, which is sad--he and his brother are very learned and erudite and interesting to talk to, and he still talked about many of the things he loves, but it was like there was a layer missing. Strokes do that to you :( I want to see if I can find a way to spend time with him when he finishes his physical therapy, since he has to spend seven hours on that on all my off days. Maybe around the holidays.
Now that my family's changing, I'm finding myself wanting to live more of a Jewish life, like that will somehow fill in the gaps of the family history I wasn't there to witness, the stories I never heard or that I will forget. There was a lot I was there for, there's a lot I've heard, but there's so much we never learn.
But I don't know that trying to find a Jewish community outside of my family or incidentally Jewish friends will make that happen. I actually kind of like being a solitary Jew, quietly observing my friends and their practices, thinking on ragtag bits of philosophy, seeking out media with Jews who fight back instead of more sad Holocaust stories, not observing most of the laws but finding value in the ideas that underpin Jewish thought (tikkun olam and accepting an "it's complicated" relationship with the idea of God being two crucial ones). I like being able to choose the communities I exist in and finding my place in the fringes of those that I never quite had a choice in.
Since this time last year I got a job, got laterally promoted, found a whole passel of new friends, came to terms with my gender identity, sustained a cat, began to learn to sew, got a new car, lost 20 pounds, did a few months of therapy, and got a girlfriend...the year has been good to me. I hope that the coming year will be just as good and bring as much happiness as this year has, and I hope the coming year is good for all of my friends.
I went to Rosh Hashanah dinner last night, and it was much quieter than usual--I'm used to having a huge houseful of people at holidays, but it was just the immediate family. My uncle who usually holds these things got a great new job in Florida, my grandparents are gone, and it seems like things are dwindling, quieter. There's no one person who's the center of the family now, but that just means that we all have to be the center. The group dynamic of the family has changed, but that just means that we have to find new ways to be family with each other.
One of my favorite cousins also had a stroke, which is sad--he and his brother are very learned and erudite and interesting to talk to, and he still talked about many of the things he loves, but it was like there was a layer missing. Strokes do that to you :( I want to see if I can find a way to spend time with him when he finishes his physical therapy, since he has to spend seven hours on that on all my off days. Maybe around the holidays.
Now that my family's changing, I'm finding myself wanting to live more of a Jewish life, like that will somehow fill in the gaps of the family history I wasn't there to witness, the stories I never heard or that I will forget. There was a lot I was there for, there's a lot I've heard, but there's so much we never learn.
But I don't know that trying to find a Jewish community outside of my family or incidentally Jewish friends will make that happen. I actually kind of like being a solitary Jew, quietly observing my friends and their practices, thinking on ragtag bits of philosophy, seeking out media with Jews who fight back instead of more sad Holocaust stories, not observing most of the laws but finding value in the ideas that underpin Jewish thought (tikkun olam and accepting an "it's complicated" relationship with the idea of God being two crucial ones). I like being able to choose the communities I exist in and finding my place in the fringes of those that I never quite had a choice in.
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(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-29 05:15 pm (UTC)This reflection touched me very deeply because of my own loss in family, in Jeff and in trying to find my place within communities that don't exactly accept me for me.
I hope that the next year brings more of this reflection and happiness for you. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-03 03:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-01 08:03 pm (UTC)I'm glad you had a good Rosh Hashanah, and I hope your next year as is good as the last!
Sorry to hear about your cousin, and the changes in your family. But it looks like your family will stay strongly connected no matter what changes, and that's wonderful. And I completely get what you say about family history -- I lost a great uncle a few years ago, and I heard so many stories at his memorial service that I'd never heard before, and it made me sad that I'd never hear him tell them. It made me realize how much we depend on other people to maintain our family narratives.
And there's nothing wrong with finding your own way to relate to your community. There's nothing wrong with the fringes, if that's where you belong and you're happy. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-10-03 03:06 am (UTC)I'm really proud of my family, and I know that we'll stay close even if things aren't the same as before. Every year I say I'm going to try to collect some family history, and every year I learn more but I never really manage to pin anything down.
Fringe Jews unite :D