Tales of the Taco Bell
Nov. 17th, 2007 04:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kleenexwomanSo I'm hanging around the house last night when I get a phone call from the glorious Taco Bell. It is the manager, begging me to come in. "It's a mess out there," he says, "half the trainees have gone home with nervous breakdowns and we've just run out of ice."
"Er," I say, "well, I'm sort of on an icon-making roll..."
"If you don't come in tonight, I will make sure that your Cheesy Bean and Rice burritos are always disgustingly dry and crumbly, at every Taco Bell you go to, ever." So I had to go.
The 'Bell was the most crowded I'd ever seen it. The drive-thru was backed up halfway down Mission street, the restaurant was completely packed with bodies, and I would not have been surprised to see a little velvet rope set up outside of the entrance.
The kitchen was sparse and people were rushing. I swept in and was draped with someone else's coat--the drive-thru window was being kept permanently open because of the insane line. I sprung into action, rockin' between the window and the counter, whippin' nachos out the window so fast I think my arms may have been a blur. Eventually we got through the huge backlog of customers, and I could slow down a bit and appreciate the insanity that is a Taco Bell full of drunk people.
It was CMU game night, you see, and everybody in Mt. Pleasant had decided to get trashed and eat some tacos. We had the requisite drive-thru jerks, including one guy who insisted that he was missing every food item he'd ordered--when I asked to see his bag to check what we'd missed, he dumped out his entire order onto his lap and gave me the empty bag, like that was going to fool me. We had stoners who wanted to have long, involved conversations about philosophy with the drive-thru people. We had drunk girls who offered to flash me for nachos or Cinnamon Twists (I had to disappoint them; that promotion was over months ago).
I was on fire. Sometimes if it's been a few hours in the drive-thru, I'll get into a little euphoric state where I sing to myself and do little dance steps and joke with the customers...and most of the customers I had were willing to joke back. It was fab. It was probably the best night I'd ever had working anywhere. I even got people who slipped me tips for giving them extra sauce packets.
Towards the end of my shift, we got a minivan full of middle-aged men in button-down shirts and polo shirts, all having some sort of weird slapfight in the backseat. The driver, who looked about 50, asked me to put every single item in a separate bag, and then said, "Hey, are you single? And do you know where his cufflink is?" and pointed to a dumpy man in a polo shirt in the backseat, who was scrabbling about on the floor.
"No," I said, "and no. Sorry."
"He's kinda lonely," the driver said. "He needs a date."
"Uh," I said, "no thanks."
The man who had lost his cufflink looked up at me. "But I got a big schlong!" he protested.
"Uh," I said, "here are your drinks."
"Really!" said polo shirt man. "I got a cock like a--" But alas, I never got to hear what he thought his junk could compare to, for the driver grinned at me and pulled away.
The last order I had was a a lady in a convertible, wearing a fur coat and a lot of jewelry. She had a big, blonde younger guy in blue jeans next to her.
"I don't know this guy," she said. "Isn't that weird? I just picked him up tonight. I don't usually do things like that, though, I gotta tell you."
"That's cool," I said. "Not judging you."
"I just felt like I had to tell someone," she said. "Because isn't that random? I just picked him up. I had a sharp knife in my purse, too, in case he tried anything."
"I seen it," the guy said. "It's a big fucker."
She giggled. "He's 21," she said. "He's a professional baseball player."
"Uh-huh," I said. "In Mt. Pleasant?"
"Yeah," she said, "I know. But he's going back to school! Isn't that great?"
"Philadelphia Phillies!" the guy said. "Look it up on Google!"
"I'm just giving him a ride home," she said. "He even paid for my meal. Isn't that sweet of him? Pretty good for a random pick-up, huh?"
"Wooooooooooooooooo," the guy said. "Wooooo."
"Have fun," I said, and gave her her drinks.
She winked at me. "Oh, honey," she said, "I hope you have as much fun as I'm going to tonight."
"Er," I say, "well, I'm sort of on an icon-making roll..."
"If you don't come in tonight, I will make sure that your Cheesy Bean and Rice burritos are always disgustingly dry and crumbly, at every Taco Bell you go to, ever." So I had to go.
The 'Bell was the most crowded I'd ever seen it. The drive-thru was backed up halfway down Mission street, the restaurant was completely packed with bodies, and I would not have been surprised to see a little velvet rope set up outside of the entrance.
The kitchen was sparse and people were rushing. I swept in and was draped with someone else's coat--the drive-thru window was being kept permanently open because of the insane line. I sprung into action, rockin' between the window and the counter, whippin' nachos out the window so fast I think my arms may have been a blur. Eventually we got through the huge backlog of customers, and I could slow down a bit and appreciate the insanity that is a Taco Bell full of drunk people.
It was CMU game night, you see, and everybody in Mt. Pleasant had decided to get trashed and eat some tacos. We had the requisite drive-thru jerks, including one guy who insisted that he was missing every food item he'd ordered--when I asked to see his bag to check what we'd missed, he dumped out his entire order onto his lap and gave me the empty bag, like that was going to fool me. We had stoners who wanted to have long, involved conversations about philosophy with the drive-thru people. We had drunk girls who offered to flash me for nachos or Cinnamon Twists (I had to disappoint them; that promotion was over months ago).
I was on fire. Sometimes if it's been a few hours in the drive-thru, I'll get into a little euphoric state where I sing to myself and do little dance steps and joke with the customers...and most of the customers I had were willing to joke back. It was fab. It was probably the best night I'd ever had working anywhere. I even got people who slipped me tips for giving them extra sauce packets.
Towards the end of my shift, we got a minivan full of middle-aged men in button-down shirts and polo shirts, all having some sort of weird slapfight in the backseat. The driver, who looked about 50, asked me to put every single item in a separate bag, and then said, "Hey, are you single? And do you know where his cufflink is?" and pointed to a dumpy man in a polo shirt in the backseat, who was scrabbling about on the floor.
"No," I said, "and no. Sorry."
"He's kinda lonely," the driver said. "He needs a date."
"Uh," I said, "no thanks."
The man who had lost his cufflink looked up at me. "But I got a big schlong!" he protested.
"Uh," I said, "here are your drinks."
"Really!" said polo shirt man. "I got a cock like a--" But alas, I never got to hear what he thought his junk could compare to, for the driver grinned at me and pulled away.
The last order I had was a a lady in a convertible, wearing a fur coat and a lot of jewelry. She had a big, blonde younger guy in blue jeans next to her.
"I don't know this guy," she said. "Isn't that weird? I just picked him up tonight. I don't usually do things like that, though, I gotta tell you."
"That's cool," I said. "Not judging you."
"I just felt like I had to tell someone," she said. "Because isn't that random? I just picked him up. I had a sharp knife in my purse, too, in case he tried anything."
"I seen it," the guy said. "It's a big fucker."
She giggled. "He's 21," she said. "He's a professional baseball player."
"Uh-huh," I said. "In Mt. Pleasant?"
"Yeah," she said, "I know. But he's going back to school! Isn't that great?"
"Philadelphia Phillies!" the guy said. "Look it up on Google!"
"I'm just giving him a ride home," she said. "He even paid for my meal. Isn't that sweet of him? Pretty good for a random pick-up, huh?"
"Wooooooooooooooooo," the guy said. "Wooooo."
"Have fun," I said, and gave her her drinks.
She winked at me. "Oh, honey," she said, "I hope you have as much fun as I'm going to tonight."
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-17 10:58 pm (UTC)Write a book in a similar style to this entry, or at least with parts in this style, and I'd buy it.
That was a pretty big stick to wave at you though... threatening you with crumbly burritos forever. I'm glad that you had such an amusing time in the end, despite that. No doubt your superior worth as an employee who can be relied upon in troubled times, will be reflected in your remuneration. Or at least a badge.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-17 10:59 pm (UTC)Any middle-aged drunk in a polo shirt coming home from a football game who brags about the size of his unit is by definition hung like a Tic-Tac.
Dude! You had girls willing to flash you! So what if you're out of the ransom they want? Give 'em something else! Free hot-sauce packets! Empty taco shells! The baseball cap off your head (don't worry about losing it; any fast-food restaurant worth its sodium has a huge stock of 'em in the back room)!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-17 11:54 pm (UTC)Sammi and I talked about that btw. Not in depth or anything, but we both have noticed your affinity for talking to weirdos. :/
(The irony here is that I do not consider myself one of those weirdos.)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-19 09:00 am (UTC)After that, well, On the Road has gotten me to some fucking ridiculous places....
speaking of those places...isn't there one trip you've been meaning to go on?
I can assist you....
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-18 12:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-18 04:33 am (UTC)Merely "woo."? Not "woo!" or even "WOO!"
(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-18 11:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-18 05:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-11-21 08:23 am (UTC)