News Items From Rachel's Fantasy World

Today in the news:

Author Neil Gaiman announced today in his weblog that he has an impacted molar. After some cursory jokes about the state of English dentistry, he asked his squealing fangirls and fanboys not to worry, and added that he will be seeking treatment in the next week from a dentist who “is very good and treats all the Hugo winners. Of which I am one.” He also outlined plans to write a short story called “The Tooth Demon,” based on the episode, in which “my tooth will be infested by demons, and the dentist will really be a medieval exorcist!”

Author Stephen King denounced Gaiman’s recent impacted molar episode as “plagiarism,” claiming that his planned short story is a rip-off of “The Demon Tooth,” a short story King wrote several months earlier that was inspired by his own nightmarish trip to the dentist. Gaiman denies the claim, but has made plans to change the focus of his own story to the Tooth Fairy, and is collaborating on it with writer friend and Discworld creator Terry Pratchett.

Director Tim Burton has announced his intention to make a Claymation film out of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett’s short story “The Tooth Fairy Demon.” To the disappointment of many fans, composer Danny Elfman will not be doing the score. Tim and Danny cite “creative differences,” but a person who wished to remain anonymous says that “Tim told Danny a really scary bedtime story about tooth demons, and Danny got freaked out because he’s always been afraid of his own teeth.” The couple is expected to have kinky makeup sex sometime in 2008.
While doing research for his the film, Burton recently encountered the ire of a group of orthodontists. The orthodontists claim that Tim’s movie is “totally inaccurate—even the most diseased teeth don’t have black and purple stripes!” and urge Tim to reconsider his design. In a press conference, Tim mumbled, “Fuck you, I’m Tim Burton and I have a whimsically morbid imagination and my own production studio and I can do what I want.”

Comic artist Jhonen Vasquez has agreed to work with author Stephen King on an adaptation of his short story, “The Demon Tooth.” Vasquez says that the title of the comic will be changed to “The Spooky Demon Moose Tooth Of Doom,” and will come out in the next year. He also asks fangirls to refrain from sending him their teeth, but says that naked pictures and dental X-rays are OK. When asked for a comment, King said, “This should make just as much money as that stupid movie—but of course I’m only doing it to express myself with Jhonen.”

Director Kevin Smith announced on his website, moviepoopchute.com, that he has plans to direct another Jay and Silent Bob movie. This one, the sixth in the series, will be called “Jay and Silent Bob Go to the Dentist.” Smith says that it will focus on his characters “as they grow older and have to seek dental care. It’ll be more serious than the first five, but I’ll still put in a lot of gay jokes. Also, there’s a serious discussion on the subject of medical marijuana. Um, very serious. Yeah.” He admits to being very inspired by Neil Gaiman’s account of his impacted molar, but says that his real inspiration for the movie is “some of my relatives who have false teeth, so I kind of know what it’s like, right?” He hastily added that he has never even had to have a cavity filled himself.

Actor Crispin Glover says that he is “dissatisfied with the way the mainstream counterculture media currently portrays dentistry work.” To remedy this, he has plans to direct an independent movie about “impacted molars, Communism, and more dead snails again.” He says, “The movie’s cast will consist only of people who don’t actually have any mouths,” a minority group that Crispin feels “has been ignored by the orthodontic profession at large, and by most of mainstream America.” The movie will come out in approximately five years, barring lack of funds.

A Big Name Fan, who asked that her name not be printed, has been accused of faking an impacted molar on her weblog in order to get sympathy and money. Fans of the BNF say, “Her teeth really do hurt, and she doesn’t have enough money for an operation—she needs you to give her a couple thousand dollars, and she also needs all the love and support she can get in this very emotional time.” Critics of the BNF say that “she just wants attention, and her teeth are in perfect shape! She’s jumping on the impacted molar bandwagon because it’s popular.” The case is being reviewed at fandom_wank, where registered users and anonymice alike have been making icons of sparkly ninja pirate dancing molars who are ded from coke.

i like da moon be-cos they got a pepper bar

I just found out that Bruce Campbell will be screening his own movie, The Man With The Screaming Brain, at the Royal Oak Theater tonight. AND I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS NOW AND I AM NOT THERE. It looks good, too.

Also, both of my managers are quitting, and will be out of the store by August 1st. I've gotten used to both of these managers, and them to me. There will be a new manager, and I am scared.
This doesn't make me happy either. It makes me much less happy than just missing the movie did. And I worked a double shift today, and when I work double shifts, I get really cranky. And the new girl decided to boss me around; I actually had no objection to that, because she seemed to like it, and I am not bossy at all and am not good at telling people what to do. I suppose it is the fate of some to boss, and of some to be bossed, and it's all OK if they don't mind. There was two hours today when she actually ordered me not to work, because she was talking with her friend and I was sweeping the floor, and she said, "Rachel, stop working! You're making me look lazy." I thought she was joking, but she wasn't. She actually got mad and started yelling when I didn't stop sweeping. Some girls are weird.

And I know why this is, I think. First off, how I figured this out: I am on my period. I'm sure you all wanted to know that! But it's important to the rest of what I'm gonna type here. You see, my normal thought process is fairly logical, linear, and straightforward. At least, it makes sense to me. But for the last couple of days, I've been very non-linear, lateral, and random. I make mental connections that seem to pop up out of nowhere, I say things that I'm not quite aware of, and I also feel like writing more poetry. I get emotional over things that wouldn't normally make me as emotional. I worry about people more. I want to cuddle people. I get whimsical and refuse to explain myself. Even my handwriting changes to look somewhat like Delirium's word-text in Sandman does. hAs AnYoNe SeEn My DoGgIe? I misspell words and my syntax and grammer suffers. In short, I act much more like yer really stereotypical woman-girl than I usually do.
My major resource pool for this kind of stuff at the moment is Mom, who says that she does the same thing. She drifts around, can't remember things, says silly shit, loses her sense of direction, gets snappish, gets weepy...and Mom is not exactly your super-feminine mama type. She's as close as you can get to butch without actually liking girls (or so I think). So we figure it's hormones. Specifically, girl-type hormones (estrogen, yes? There's more of it in one's body during one's period, if I remember my 8th grade Gender Education class correctly...of course, that was also the class where the teacher insisted that girls always took at least an hour to get aroused, and that girls never had wet dreams, both of which I can testify from experience are not true at all (and you really wanted to know that too, didn't you?) so I don't know if that's right).
Hypothesis: Estrogen makes you non-linear. This is why bad comedians talk about how weird and illogical women are, and women on Lifetime talk about how non-intuitive men are. (See Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About, by Mil Millington, for the only genuinely funny demonstration of this Comedy Pyrite principle.) Not that this idea of mine is anything new, but it's the first time it's really gelled in my head. It also explains Camille Paglia. Specifically, this essay I read of hers about "why gay men are totally cool but not really gay, and lesbians are just boring," which I was going to totally spork and rip apart on here, but I don't have time to do that now and also I can't find the essay.