Compulsive updater? Me? You must be joking.

[kleenexwoman]

So I’m sitting at the library computer, happily typing out an invocation to the muses, when I turn around and see diraskyria there. “Hey,” I say. “What are you doing here? I thought you were off in Aryneth doing research.”

“Hey yourself,” she says. “Want some of my espresso? I’m not going to finish it.” Which should have tipped me off right there, because they don’t allow coffee in the computer labs.

But hey, I was thirsty and kind of tired, so I take the paper cup, swig it down, and say, “Hey, where’d you go?” And fuck me if she’s not in the bottom of the cup, grinning and waving at me.

“Come on in!” she says. “It’s fun!”

And actually, the coffee looks pretty nice and warm after the cold day outside, so I’m just about to jump in and join her when I see this flash of white and black streak by. Well, I can’t just let a moving target pass me by, so I chuck the cup and follow it into the stacks. It skitters around a corner, and I’ve lost it; luckily, my predator’s eye is sharp enough to see footprints on the deep-pile acid-trip-dyed library carpet. I sneaky follow it into the B-829 section.

It’s a guy in a black suit, and he’s hanging onto the moving shelves for dear life. He’s pale as milk and maybe a little shorter than me, and he’s glaring at me with the clearest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I recognize him immediately--it’s drworm’s evil (or was it good? I can never remember) twin. Dunno what he’s doing in Mt. Pleasant, but he looks tasty. I hunker down and swish my tail at him. “My territory,” I growl.

He whips a book out from the shelf and brandishes it at me. “My book,” he says. “I just came here to get it.”

“What? No! That belongs to the library!” I try to read the title. The book’s all covered in skin.

“Not anymore!” He tucks it inside his jacket and swings off through the shelves, howling like an orangutan.

I lope off after him. He leads me on a merry chase through the B-F section, but I finally corner him and knock him down in an elevator. “Put the damn book back.”

He snarls a little, but he eventually takes it out of his jacket and gives it to me. Well, I’m breathing rotted meat on him, and I like to think that my fangs are pretty sharp. Yeah, I’m intimidating. Queen of the forest, yo. He still manages to scramble out between my legs when the elevator door opens, but now at least I know where he is: On the 3rd floor of the library, and it’s impossible to get out of there without one of the librarians showing you exactly where the wormhole is. And they’re never around anymore, because of budget cuts…so I wouldn’t worry. Anytime you want to come get him, Seth...

Anyway, I take the book back down to the computer lab, and it really doesn’t belong to the library. There’s no magnetic tag on it. So I flip through it a little, to see who it belongs to...and then a freaking tentacle whips out at me. I slam the book shut, and it kind of flops lifeless to the side. And then I see the author’s name. lily_lemony, you remember that manuscript you were telling me about, the one that you accidentally lost through the library portal system? Yeah. It’s here, and it grew.

Eh, it’s really no worse than my Journalism class. Professor Jerusalem is practically obsessed with finding out the horrible truth behind my LARP group. I keep telling him that there’s nothing going on, but he insists that a bunch of people who run around pretending to be vampires have some ulterior motive. They don’t! They’re just pretending! The fact that they only come out during the night and can turn into bats is incidental!

I tried to get him to let me cover the Satanic orgies that CMU President Rao is having, but he says that’s old news. I told him that the fact that he’s funding them out of the students’ tuition money is probably newsworthy, but he said that he already held Rao at bowel-disruptor point and yelled at him about it.

Sigh. nyghtshayde, do you think I should say hi to him for you? Maybe if he finds out that I know you, he’ll go a little easier on me. I know you guys were tight back when you were his Filthy Assistant...

Oh, and ghostgecko? The miniature Tyrannosaurus you genetically engineered for me is starting to chase its tail and whine. Are they supposed to do that? Is it lonely? I started taking up rare roast beef for it from the dining hall, because it’s kind of hard for it to find enough mice and squirrels to eat in the winter, but I’m a little worried that it’s an unnatural diet for it. What should I do?

Anyway, that’s about all that happened today. I have a Beginning Sorcery class in a few minutes, though, and Dr. Mordrid hates if you walk in late. I’m going to ask him whether necromancy is legal, though. josephwaldman keeps telling me about the time he conjured up the ghost of Elvis, and if that ever gets out...oh boy.

But yeah, other than that…it was a normal day.

Comments

Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

...say hi to the fucker for me. He still has my underpants. And I'm in a mood to be fucked...so tell him his Filthy Assistant said to get his bald ass back here. Pronto. *g* I have things in store for him. When I'm through with him, he'll give you A's. Nothing but A's.

Oh yes.

Re: Definitely...

[kleenexwoman.livejournal.com]

I totally will on Monday, if he's even there. Last week, he went on a bender and showed up with three new tattoos and a hangover, and the entire class discussion subject was "Shut up and fetch Professor more industrial-strength analgesics." Jeez.

Re: Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

He does that. Just you wait. One of these days, he'll bring the cat in. Then you'll all have cat-piss duty.

Re: Definitely...

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

A friend and I came up with this theory a few years ago: that anyone who grew up in a house with three or more cats, as each of us did, is forever inured to the presence of feline urine stains on the carpet, droppings in the hall, claw-scratches on the furniture, or vomit on the bedcovers. "Oh, look at that," we think as we walk past the bedroom, "Dizzy threw up again." Then we forget about it for the next two years. Or: "Hey, Kimba, you wanna jump on my lap? Ohhh, such a good cat, yessir, pissing in my water glass, you're such a good boy!" This, you see, is why dogs chase cats: dogs have this paranoid thing about their owners that causes them to resent having to go outside to do their ejectory businesses, because they think that the master won't love them anymore if they do it in the house (not true, we only get mad for about thirty seconds), but they know the cat has to stay indoors because he's too small and too fast and therefore too much of a bait for cars passing by, and so they despise 'em. Either that or it's just fun.

Re: Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

My dogs and cat get along really well. Sometimes the cat gets irritated with the little dog (shown in the user pic), but otherwise, they're all siblings. And I don't get as upset over, "Oops, Medwyn threw up on the rug," because hey, he doesn't know how to go puke into the toilet. It's not his fault. He's a dog. That's what they do. What he does do is look at me pitifully when he does feel sick and then I'll get him into the kitchen (small apartment) and he pukes there. Easier to clean up. Oh well. It happens. Hells, I've seen kids just get sick wherever they are because when they've gotta go, they've gotta go (or whatever bodily function it is) and if they're not near a toilet, they're not going to be able to hold it because they've got small systems. But parents don't hate their kids nor do they get mad at them for it. Why get mad at dogs and cats for it?

Re: Definitely...

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

Why get mad at dogs and cats for it?

Oh, because of the stronger emotions attached to animals, no question about it. By the time people get old enough to start popping out kids -- and this as much if they're fifteen and it's an accident as it is when they're thirty and it's planned -- they're beyond the point of innocence about the human race and its various tricks and turns and motives and impules. That is, they understand how people can go from malicious to golden-hearted within a fraction of a second, and then switch around again, and sometimes combine the two; and so they're wary of any new human they happen to cross paths with, no matter if that human happens to be made from their own bone and blood. So there's a kind of passivity and withholding of emotional reserves on the part of one's kids. But animals, they're all heart, all soul, no pretense or planning, and so us nerve-jangled humans tend to pour out all our essential being onto them. It's either that or the fact that pets are pre-programmed to eat bird guts before they slobber all over your face.

Well, as long as on the subject,

http://www.geocities.com/josephwaldman/Pics/PetsPics/PetsPics.html

is my own repository of pet pix. Said I to kleenexwoman a few weeks ago, re the Internet: "Don't people know that it was designed for nothing more than illegal Simpsons sound files, cat pictures from some bored housewife out in Podunk, Iowa, and 'fR#e V_!ag@ra n0VV!!!' spam messages from Penis K. Caltech?".

Re: Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I think if I had kids, which I thankfully don't, I wouldn't be nicer to them than I was the dogs and cat. I just don't like kids very much with the exception of one or two that belong to a couple of friends of mine. Then again, I don't like two-leggeds much at all...so I tend to be a lot more easy going on the non-humans of this world.

Re: Definitely...

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

A wise man (I think it was Joseph Stalin) once observed that we humans can make all the additional humans we want, but just try to make an animal. This is loop-de-loop logic in so many ways that I can't think about it for more than thirty seconds without getting a headache. Yet somehow, it makes sense.

Re: Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

Well, considering that humans are just two-legged animals who've come to think we're superior to everything else on the planet, we technically can make animals. Just...two-legged ones.

At least, that's how I view it. I have no superiority complex...

Re: Definitely...

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

As the very old, very bad, and very smutty joke goes:

Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can.

Re: Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can.

Given how many guys I know that would kill for that ability, I would definitely say that the dog is the superior creature. *g*

Re: Definitely...

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

I once got into a long, convoluted discussion about how it was or was not fair for women because all their stuff's on the inside. What're you gonna do, some kind of cycloptic mutant between the Three Stooges' eye-poke and the first-and-pinky pseudo-Satanic symbol to the lower regions of a lady's abdomen, in terms of fighting back when you get kicked in the nads?

Re: Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

Re: Definitely...

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

And as long as we're on dirty jokes . . . what's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

*ba da boom*

Re: Definitely...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

Boooo!!!!

hehehe