How Rachel got very gently shot down tonight

[kleenexwoman]

Kathryn is a nice girl. A very nice girl who takes pains to not look like a girl. I habitually eat dinner with her on Friday evenings, and then we go do various things like watching Ray Harryhausen movies or exploring for-rent student houses that might possibly be haunted.
I have been liking her very much in a way that is not entirely Platonic since, ohh, let's say second semester of last year (hard to keep track of these things). I even kissed her an' all, and she was sooo proud. She e-mailed her mom and her mom's girlfriend and her older brother and talked about her first kiss, and then I never ever kissed her again because she told me that she was asexual and had decided not to ever have sex until she was 25, if then.
And then she has started being very cuddly recently. We will be sitting on a park bench not feeding the ducks, and she will lean in close and put her arm around me and put her head on my shoulder and sigh happily. Or we will be sitting on the futon watching cowboys lassoing dinosaurs on the TeeVee, and she will snuggle up to me and get my head on her shoulder and scootch around so that my face is jammed into her neck. And this is nice. And then she'll start babbling about grape juice or her 10th grade geography teacher, and I'll figure that she's getting nervous with me being the Person Who Actually Does Real Sex With Other Girls Sometimes And OMG Don't Want Molesting To Happen, so I scootch away and give her some space. And then she will stick her head back onto my shoulder. And this happens a lot.
So tonight, tonight, tonight. We took a walk down Main Street, which is the area with all the student housing and frat houses and such, and some of the houses are peeling and the lawns are not mowed and things are quite pretty if you don't count the people standing around with Greek letters and beer and such. And we talk about people and things and living arrangements and the rest of our lives, and it's useless to speculate. Useless.
And we turn off onto a nature trail and get lost along the river as it is getting dark. And it's a nice area, with trees and such, and the moon shining on the river is making it quite romantic. And then I hear the train nearby and freak out and Kathryn holds my hand, because I am very very scared of trains and will tense up even when I am just crossing train tracks. And we sit in the woods and look at stars and Kathryn snuggles me while the train sings its metallic song.
And then we go back to her dorm, and she tells me that she is very much looking forward to being along in the room and watching old Claymation movies with me. And she's quite disappointed when it turns out that they're watching "Young Frankenstein" in the back lounge, and I kind of want to see it because I've never seen it before (and I have now, and although a lot of people have said that it's closer to the book than the original movie was, I really don't remember Mary Shelley ever putting in a scene where her monster tap-dances and sings "Putting On The Ritz").
And so we go and sit on the couch and she takes a short nap before the movie begins and uses me as a pillow. And also insists on buying me a pop. (She will do this. Kathryn likes to be useful. She will insist on holding doors, carrying heavy things, paying for things, and doing small chores, and sometimes gets a little offended if I carry something myself while she is around.) And during the movie, I am eating popcorn and drinking pop with one hand, and the other hand is preoccupied with balancing Kathryn's head on my chest. And eventually we settle into a position where she's pretty much laying on top of me.
And I have absolutely no problems with that, except that when she laughs, the entire couch shakes.
And after the movie, we sit in the dark for a while. And cuddle more. And Kathryn suggests that we wait "just a few minutes more" for the lights to come on, and everybody leaves, and clearly the front desk dude is never going to turn the lights back on.
And I think, "Hey, this has been a nice night and we're all alone and getting quite close and it would be a perfect opportunity to see What Will Happen." And, as if she is telepathic, Kathryn turns her head to me with a teasing, happy, questioning look on her face. Anticipatory.
And I chicken out and just stare at her. And for about an hour, Kathryn and I do apparently Platonic cuddling in different positions while Kathryn talks about grape juice and her 10th grade geography teacher and I practice saying, "Hey, do you want to be my girlfriend?" in my head and cannot actually make the goddamn words come out of my mouth.
Note to girls reading this: Rachel is easy. Rachel is very, very easy. But Rachel is also really fucking shy and is incapable of making the first move.
(It's not so much that I'm afraid of rejection. I am quite used to unrequited love of all sorts, and kind of assume that people don't like me the way I like them. That is not unusual for me. I won't tell people that I love them, not because they don't love me--and I'm pretty sure that about half the people I love don't care about me nearly as much as I care about them--but because I don't want them to feel bad for not doing the same for me. I don't know whether most people would feel bad about not liking someone, but I was wracked with guilt over it on a regular basis during the last two years of high school and some of my first year of college, so I figure it's valid somehow.)
But...where were we? Ah, yes. Choking on my words, literally choking trying to push the air out of my mouth and make my vocal cords behave. I got as far as "Hey, do you--" before my tongue got in the way and curled the words back into my throat.
At last, Kathryn took pity on me. "Is there something you wanted to ask me?"
"Ah," I said. "Yes. Gah."
"Yeees? And?" Smiling. If she wasn't so nice, I'd say she was mocking me.
"I...uh...well, yeah. There was." God, god, I am an idiot. "What was I supposed to ask?" Perhaps I can take the passive route. Make her ask me.
"I don't know," Kathryn says. "I have an idea, but I don't want to say the wrong thing."
"I won't get offended if you say the wrong thing," I say.
Kathryn nods. "Is it something personal? About us?"
"Yeah! Yeah..."
"About...relationships?"
"Yes. Yes, yes, yes..." I nod like a pigeon bobbing its head. Getting warmer...
"I thought so." She smiles like she's just found the Philosopher's Stone. "And...well, no."
"Oh." I was expecting this, I tell myself. I am completely flattened out. I barely hear what she says next.
"I'm not ready for a relationship..." Of course she isn't, especially not with me. "Not emotionally mature enough. I still think of myself as a grade-schooler." A laugh. I don't agree. "I like you. You're the nicest person I've ever met." And oh God, she's being so sweet about this that it feels like she's kissing me instead of shooting me down. "You're my best friend here. The best friend I've ever had..." So fucking guilty about this. Big stupid fucking dyke who just wants to have sex with this poor girl who just needs a friend. I should never have touched her at all, not if I'm going to think like that about her. She clearly doesn't think that way about me, or about anyone.
And my eyes are starting to tear up and my mouth is starting to shake. "So...so you don't like me?" so fucking stupid so fucking lame so fucking needy immature little girl in the flannel shirt and pigtails. my voice is cracking. who does this sound like?
She doesn't answer that, just smiles again and touches my cheek. "You're my best friend," she repeats. "I'm not ready."
I shrug. "I just...I thought you liked me..." And I break down and curl up against her and sob while she holds me.
And then I put on my shoes and ask her if she's coming to play Mage with me every other Friday like I'd asked her before, and she says maybe, and we walk back to the dorm singing an Oingo Boingo song I'm teaching her. And she bows, like, always, and says goodnight, and I wave to her over my shoulder and sing out a badly mispronounced "Adieu!" and it doesn't feel like my heart's been broken at all. And hey, maybe that means it really hasn't. How am I supposed to know?

Comments

[squonk.livejournal.com]

I, too, am incapable of making the first move, but it is because I'm afraid of rejection. (You and I would sit around and stare at each other all day, it'd be pretty funny.) Taking that pathetically further, I've ruined more than one relationship because I was unable to accept that someone would actually find me attractive and want to be with me.

It's good that you maybe probably didn't get your heart broken, because hopefully that means you can continue your friendship with Kathryn? That regular old run-over-by-a-truck pain hurts plenty, though. If it helps, even I, the girl who cannot fathom anybody liking her, would have drawn the same conclusions you did in that situation, 'cause it really does sound like she was a bit all over you. Sucks. :(

[cmujoiseyboy.livejournal.com]

That was a bit of a bitch move. To send mixed or indefinable signals is one thing, but this was a definite signal that she sent to you only to say no it wasn't. It seems as if you have a bit of a tease on your hands. One line proved that she knew what she was doing:

And, as if she is telepathic, Kathryn turns her head to me with a teasing, happy, questioning look on her face. Anticipatory.

True, you could have read it wrong, but probably not. It seemed as if she was goading you to do it just to turn you down.

But I will add as a disclaimer that I've been extremely cynical as of late ( even moreso than normal).

[diraskyria.livejournal.com]

I'm not a cynical type of person, and I got that impression, too....I hate saying negative things about people I don't even know, but that sounds like a perfectly wretched thing to do...

[cmujoiseyboy.livejournal.com]

ok so it's not just y cynicism.

btw I love that icon. To quote a shirt I once saw, "Fuck Lemmy. Morrison is God."

[charlie-ihsan.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

Oh, my dear . . . it's always a toughie when that kind of thing happens. Particularly when it seems like all the right elements are there for something to happen.

But I think you handled it right. When one is shy and has difficulty at times articulating hopes, fears, dreams, aspirations, etc. -- particularly for the here and now; "time for decision to be made," as St. Paul of Westerberg wrote -- one runs the risk of just starting to babble stuff and coming on . . . I was going to write "too strong," but that's not exactly it; more like spilling too much truth and honesty all at once and instead having it turn out potentially false-sounding, or even (most awful of all) desperate, even though it isn't that at all.

You took it slow and careful, though, and that's the best way to do it. Talking to other people, every day and every time, is a matter of diplomacy. (I'm a politics nerd, so trust me on this point, which I have thought about and analyzed for years and years.) Whereas statecraft is macrodiplomacy, interpersonal relationships and social intercourse are microdiplomacy. It's a little bit science, and a little bit art, and even some small bit of the unknown, "magic" or whatever you want to call it (just don't put too much credence in the unknown; only as much as you need to make it all work.)

I'm really going into political-dork land here, but Teddy Roosevelt's vastly overcliched maxim is true in each of its parts: "Speak softly and carry a big stick." In statecraft, that means (1) don't bluster; know the psychology of the opposite party; plan your words carefully; and conserve your energy, and (2) have both guns and butter (i.e., both defense and commerce) to back yourself up. In personal relations for (1) it's all the same thing, and for (2) it's know how to back up what you communicate with both gentle psychological force AND little personal rewards for the other person.

But anyway, backing out of my digression: you handled it all well. And you're still friends with her, which is important. So now you can take what you learned from this -- what to do, and what not to do -- ruminate on it, and try again next when the time is right.

[dr-ninjapants.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I hope everything works out wonderfully for you in the end, no matter what.

I mailed you Dr. Mordrid and my movies on DVD yesterday.

[vicfitz82.livejournal.com]

that's a very sweet story.

[dredre.livejournal.com]

aw cousin rachel

[lemmealone.livejournal.com]

Um. Fine that she's still getting to know herself, but she sounds like a bit of a tease. Her actions sound like she was setting you up to benefit her own ego, and I'm not in a position to say whether it was intentional or not but it's still cruel.

*hugs you*

[ghostgecko.livejournal.com]

I gotta agree with the folks who are calling "tease". I certainly have got jerked around enough in this life to recognize that. You're not to be used to prop up another person's insecurities or to facilitate them finding themselves. You deserve better than that.

[bestfiend.livejournal.com]

Oh, gee.

*hug*

I also believe Kathryn is a bit of a tease. She clearly feels attracted to you and is enjoying the giddy (but transient) power of the courted. Personally, I'd knock her subtle power play down a notch by repeating: "Poor creature, what an incredible opportunity she missed," again and again. I'm sorry you had a disappointing evening.

[forunlawfulck.livejournal.com]

I agree, she sounds like a tease that's enjoying the attention. I'm sorry she's doing this to you.

However, I love your writing.