(no subject)

[kleenexwoman]

So Tammy has finally decided to cut off all contact with me, no negotiations. Blocked me from her IM list and everything. She's even got a new girlfriend. Jenn.

I should be relieved that the batshit insanity is over. I'm not. This hurts. I don't even know why. I don't love her anymore, I think. I don't even care about her anymore. I don't want her out of my life. I want her to love me again. I didn't want her to love me before, when we were dating, because it scared me and she got boring and weird, but now that I don't even want to talk to her anymore because she is batshit insane Wicca fundamentalist I really miss her.

Fuck. This is why I don't like emotions.

See, she's got a way out. She's got that memory spell thing. I don't think it's going to actually erase her memories like she said, but it's a ritual and it'll help her to forget the whole thing. I don't have any rituals. Don't believe in them. I'm mentally strong enough not to need them. Right?

I really want to forget about this and be able to concentrate on my writing and on school and building relationships with people who are, if not totally sane, at least a kind of insane that I'm compatible with. Instead I'm reduced to being creepy about vampires and Cthulhu and shit just to get her to react and I feel bad about that too. I feel like a stalker.

I shouldn't want to scare her like that. A lot of this is my fault anyway. (Is this my fault? I can't tell. I think I would feel better if it wasn't.) What did she do wrong? I mean, I know she's batshit fundie insane but she didn't do anything to hurt me. She just wanted to love me.

She's never going to be the girl I loved back in eighth grade. Why the fuck can't I accept that? She's changed, I've changed, and I couldn't accept that. She could. She wants me out of her life. She wants to move on. That's mature. Why can't I do that?

I want to get over this as fast as possible and get on with my life. Anyone have any ideas? Lobotomy? Binge drinking? Zoloft? Cuddles? Wild sex? Violent revenge fantasy story?

Comments

You go for...

[wolf-heart9.livejournal.com]

...cuddles and lots of writing. Writing is therapeutic. Esp revenge fantasies. At least, at first. Then taper them off because that becomes obsessive. You just want one or two to get the emotions out and dealt with. Like vomiting. You want to throw up those emotions to get the poison out and then you can move on. And eventually your stomach settles back down so that you can once again enjoy food.

Or...

[andersrea.livejournal.com]

While writing is good, you should also understand that she's a small little part of you, a sliver if you will. We are all just pieces of everyone else, and you know that. So while you can move on and move past this, you should know that you'll never forget her. And you're nutty if you think she'll forget you. How could she?

Also, never hurts to eat a lot of fudge and ice cream. And perhaps NyQuil.

[ruon.livejournal.com]

two yins
two protons
two electrons
two negatives

it's all pretty queer isn't it

[drworm.livejournal.com]

Wait. Quit talking to her. Divert your attention. It may be painful, but it works. It also may take a while... but, again, it works.

I mean, I know she's batshit fundie insane but she didn't do anything to hurt me. She just wanted to love me.

Yeah, but her love seem kinda creepy and weird and underhanded, and not in a good way. Not that I qualify as any sort of expert, I'm just saying.

In some ways, this seems like the sort of situation you need to quit picking at before it starts to heal. Let it scab over. Just... distance. Yeah.

[ghostgecko.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but it's just gonna have to heal slow and leave a scar. I am speaking from experience here. But at least let this be a palative - if she has to go to the mental extremes of thinking she has magic powers in order to forget you, you must have left a pretty grand canyon sized scar in her, too.