Rachel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kleenexwoman) wrote2004-12-14 02:25 am
kleenexwoman) wrote2004-12-14 02:25 am
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So Tammy has finally decided to cut off all contact with me, no negotiations. Blocked me from her IM list and everything. She's even got a new girlfriend. Jenn.
I should be relieved that the batshit insanity is over. I'm not. This hurts. I don't even know why. I don't love her anymore, I think. I don't even care about her anymore. I don't want her out of my life. I want her to love me again. I didn't want her to love me before, when we were dating, because it scared me and she got boring and weird, but now that I don't even want to talk to her anymore because she is batshit insane Wicca fundamentalist I really miss her.
Fuck. This is why I don't like emotions.
See, she's got a way out. She's got that memory spell thing. I don't think it's going to actually erase her memories like she said, but it's a ritual and it'll help her to forget the whole thing. I don't have any rituals. Don't believe in them. I'm mentally strong enough not to need them. Right?
I really want to forget about this and be able to concentrate on my writing and on school and building relationships with people who are, if not totally sane, at least a kind of insane that I'm compatible with. Instead I'm reduced to being creepy about vampires and Cthulhu and shit just to get her to react and I feel bad about that too. I feel like a stalker.
I shouldn't want to scare her like that. A lot of this is my fault anyway. (Is this my fault? I can't tell. I think I would feel better if it wasn't.) What did she do wrong? I mean, I know she's batshit fundie insane but she didn't do anything to hurt me. She just wanted to love me.
She's never going to be the girl I loved back in eighth grade. Why the fuck can't I accept that? She's changed, I've changed, and I couldn't accept that. She could. She wants me out of her life. She wants to move on. That's mature. Why can't I do that?
I want to get over this as fast as possible and get on with my life. Anyone have any ideas? Lobotomy? Binge drinking? Zoloft? Cuddles? Wild sex? Violent revenge fantasy story?
I should be relieved that the batshit insanity is over. I'm not. This hurts. I don't even know why. I don't love her anymore, I think. I don't even care about her anymore. I don't want her out of my life. I want her to love me again. I didn't want her to love me before, when we were dating, because it scared me and she got boring and weird, but now that I don't even want to talk to her anymore because she is batshit insane Wicca fundamentalist I really miss her.
Fuck. This is why I don't like emotions.
See, she's got a way out. She's got that memory spell thing. I don't think it's going to actually erase her memories like she said, but it's a ritual and it'll help her to forget the whole thing. I don't have any rituals. Don't believe in them. I'm mentally strong enough not to need them. Right?
I really want to forget about this and be able to concentrate on my writing and on school and building relationships with people who are, if not totally sane, at least a kind of insane that I'm compatible with. Instead I'm reduced to being creepy about vampires and Cthulhu and shit just to get her to react and I feel bad about that too. I feel like a stalker.
I shouldn't want to scare her like that. A lot of this is my fault anyway. (Is this my fault? I can't tell. I think I would feel better if it wasn't.) What did she do wrong? I mean, I know she's batshit fundie insane but she didn't do anything to hurt me. She just wanted to love me.
She's never going to be the girl I loved back in eighth grade. Why the fuck can't I accept that? She's changed, I've changed, and I couldn't accept that. She could. She wants me out of her life. She wants to move on. That's mature. Why can't I do that?
I want to get over this as fast as possible and get on with my life. Anyone have any ideas? Lobotomy? Binge drinking? Zoloft? Cuddles? Wild sex? Violent revenge fantasy story?