a poem.

[kleenexwoman]

We’d tangle like rats
in old newspapers yellow with dust,
worm-pink tails
twined in shoelace knots.

I wrote that for my boyfriend a while back. I kept meaning to add to it, but it always seemed finished. It's surprisingly easy to write a love poem to nobody, and surprisingly hard to write a love poem to someone you love beyond all ration.

Comments

[sir-dave.livejournal.com]

You're right, it's complete as it is; and it expresses a lot in not many words. Rhythm and rhyme don't really do a lot for pieces as short as that, as they develop power over the length of a poem (and after enough length, drive you crazy). The opening assonance is very good.

The difficulty is in making what you do well work well over longer works, where the rhythm and rhyme keep the stress evident, and give power to assonance and alliteration that does not emerge nearly so easily without the rhythm and the rhyme. But I'd really like to see you do that; your imagery is good. Sprung metre would be a very good starting point.

[beganwithayes.livejournal.com]

that's ridiculously endearing.

you're right, it's very difficult to write a love poem to someone you actually love. i've only ever written one love poem to a significant other (my husband) and it was something that just sprang from me. i think if i sat down and tried, i'd have a panic attack about doing it right. hahah.

[drworm.livejournal.com]

:)

awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[josephwaldman.livejournal.com]

Not bad, not bad. Except that this for some reason reminds me that I have a big pile of books, newspapers, and old shirts in my room that's been quite spidery of late and I probably should go after it with gusto, by which I mean all the dusting power at my command. You're my backup here. If you hear me yell, come after me with a vacuum cleaner and some whiskey.

[mwrgana.livejournal.com]

I come to check you out and the first thing you do is remind that I have to clean out the rats's cage today!

Seriously, this really impressed me, I love it. Sometimes, just a few lines of well chosen words are enough, and this is perfect as it is.