Inspired by the aforementioned SomethingAwful thread. I've taken some of my favorite songs and paraphrased them in a somewhat more formal fashion--see if you can guess the song, lyrics, and artist.
1. So you would like to vocally express that you desire an upheaval of the normal political and cultural status quo? Well, you must certainly also be aware that every human expresses a similar desire to alter reality as they see fit. However, if you are referring to a destructive or violent act, I feel I must inform you that you may not rely on my assistance or support.
2. Has this particular humanoid taken leave of his senses or misplaced his reason? Is he able to percieve events and objects visually, or are his eyes not working as well? Is he currently vivified or deceased? Has he internalized any form of verbal or written communication within his skull?
3. My maternal parent informed me, yes, she did teach me, that your humble narrator would come into contact with immature females that are similar to or fit your description. As well as giving me this piece of advice, she also suggested that I attempt to avoid contact with such creatures, as it is unknown whether they carry any communicable diseases.
4. You have greatly confused the one that gave birth to you; in fact, she seems to be spinning around in circles, for she is no longer sure as to which gender you are. O my child, your coiffure certainly meets my standards as well as yours and society's; o my child, let us leave home during this period of darkness and seek entertainment.
5. So you have attended a place of higher education for a portion of your life, and you are certain that you have experienced and visualized everything that the world has to offer. In the vehicle provided you by your familiar male parent, you believe that you will certainly succeed, as in your place of birth (which is not west), people who have lived in circumstances similar to yours are allowed to stand upright.
6. Greetings! I have become very attracted and emotionally attached to you. I say again, greetings! Please allow me to suddenly entangle myself in whatever idle entertainment you may have planned to amuse yourself.
7. The hour draws nearer and nearer to midnight; have you by any chance happened upon any of my romantic conquests or acquaintances? O mother, please alert me when members of my social circle arrive at this house. It is seven hours after noon, and I would like to conduct myself in a boisterous fashion and fill my stomach with fermented wheat products.
8. I do not wish to touch my lips to yours in a romantic fashion, nor do I wish to come into physical contact with you. I do not even wish to lay eyes upon you, for when you are away from me, I barely notice your absence.
9. Spirit me back to the urban area which is named after the Garden of Eden; in this place, each passing female is aesthetically pleasing, and any backyard or garden will certainly have a definite emerald color--I implore you, assist me in my attempts to return to the place of my birth!
10. Gyrate spasmodically to the rhythm provided by the re-animated corpses of the recently deceased! Do not lay unconscious for eight hours a day, but rather avoid the article of furniture that allows you to do so--energy and vitality in its purest, unadulterated form shall gravitate rather quickly to your person.
11. One unit of medication induces your body to increase in size, and another unit of medication effects a reverse change. However, any medication that your parent may provide you with will fail to produce any change in either your physical or mental state.
12. There is a violet-colored fog of some type in my cranial area. In the preceding amount of time, items and people who were formerly familiar to me seem somehow different. I am not behaving as I usually do, and there is no way I can explain this sudden change; pardon me if you will while I attempt to lock lips with the atmosphere.
13. A titled woman of my acquaintance has no doubt in her mind that every material which shines and sparkles in an entrancing way is in fact composed out of the chemical element known as Au, and she is attempting to purchase an elevated series of platforms which leads to the Judeo-Christian afterlife.
14. I am biding my time while expecting a male person of my acquaintance; I now hold twenty-six units of currency in my palm. This particular acquaintance never arrives at our arranged meeting place before or at the prearranged time, but rather long afterwards, and there is no changing his behavior, so anyone who is planning to interact with him must learn to bide their time as I am doing now.
15. Others inform us that chemical substances are certain to give us a sensation of emptiness. We are attracted to others without being able to achieve our goal, as we believe ourselves to be extraordinarily beautiful and worthy, but also pay little attention to any internal qualities.
16. I encourage any members of my audience who may have acted upon their Oedipal complexes to violently strike fruit preserves with their feet, as if trying to propel said preserves away from them.
17. You have made it clear that you believe our mutual relationship to have properties similar to an explosive compound composed partially of nitroglycerine. I suggest that you use your ocular organs for once, for I believe it to be more akin to frozen water and superheated gases.
18. There is less possiblity of injury or death if illumination is extinguished. We are all present at this point in time and space, therefore I wish you to provide us with amusement. I am experiencing physical and emotional symptoms corresponding with lack of intelligence and the presence of a communicable disease.
19. I was electrocuted by a natural phenomenon associated with inclement weather while I was making my way as a pedestrian on a thoroughfare. It is also possible that I may have been attacked or struck with an object the evening before yesterday while I was slumbering. These festivities are being held and attended by people who are recently deceased, and I do not believe that anybody could possibly prefer a different set of circumstances.
20. Enter the room, young man who I am fond of, and allow me to provide you with carcinogenic material. You are certainly going to make your way a distance in life; in fact, you may even elevate yourself to such levels of fame that you will conquer death. You will be showered with affection from fans and record executives alike.
21. Strike the ill-behaved child, strike the ill-behaved child, strike the ill-behaved child with an instrument usually used in sports. I challenge you to find an alternative method of dealing with or disposing of such a disagreeable youngster.
22. There seems to be a great deal of inclement weather, and it is possible that my very existence may be put in jeopardy because of it. In the case that I am unable to procure some kind of temporary respite and protection, I will certainly slowly cease to be.
23. I do not believe in any form of government and may even support overthrowing it, and I also believe myself to be the incarnation of Satan on Earth. My desires are unclear even to me, but I am aware of and able to use any channels open to me in order to fulfill any passing whim.
24. I wish to know where the illegitimate man has escaped to, or whether he may have remained the the general area. At this point in time, you are required to inform me of all actions you have taken. I plan to acquire a weapon and fire it at your illicit amorous companion until he falls; now will you inform me of all actions you have taken?
25. If you do not pay close attention to your surroundings, you might actually achieve whatever goal you are attempting to reach. Stylish and trendy children, unusual and alien, but somehow not unfamiliar. I am not a remarkable or interesting person in the least, but I am creating a conflagration in my place of residence.
26. Many people, including my friends, family, and the world in general, refer to me as a medical professional or at least a person who has received a degree from an acredited institution with a name similar to that of a segmented invertebrate Lumbricus terrestris. I am not a medical professional, nor have I ever received a degree from an acredited institution, but I am in fact a segmented invertebrate Lumbricus terrestris.
27. I am addressing this to you youngsters who are seated or reclining and complaining. If you want something to complain about, it would have been better for you to be present here in the year nineteen hundred and seventy-nine BCE, particularly during the quarter of the year that the northern hemisphere is cold and receiving the least amount of direct sunlight.
28. At a point in the past, I was in a relationship with a woman. However, that woman recently informed me that she wished to terminate the relationship. Ever since this, friends and acquaintances have repeatedly inquired after her whereabouts. I do not wish to discuss the subject, so I simply explain that she is deceased.
29. She suggested that I enter her sleeping quarters, as she wished to present her data-processing hardware to me. She inquired as to my opinion of her possession, and I informed her that I found her much more attractive. In truth, she was not as attractive as I told her she was; I excuse this lie to you by reminding you that it was getting close to bedtime.
30. From the time that I was an immature youngster, I passed my time by manipulating a sphere composed of the element Ag. I believe that I have tried my skill at every gaming machine of this type in a geographical area that ranges from a district of London to a medium town in the south of England.
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