Rachel's Sociological Theory of Monkey Brains

[kleenexwoman]

Important note: This is probably not exactly how actual monkeys behave. This is, however, almost precisely how most humans behave. Analogies are never exact.

Humans are, essentially, highly advanced monkeys without tails. (Which would make us apes, technically, but who's keeping track?) No matter how intelligent, rational, or noble humanity in general ever becomes, humans will always have that little part of their brain which is wired to swing through trees.

Monkeys directly fear three things (and indirectly fear one):
1. The other monkeys in your own tribe. (all those damn kids who drive me crazy)
2. The other tribes of monkeys. (scary humans who aren't like us)
3. The tiger. (the unknown--death, sickness, aliens)
4. (indirect) Starvation, characterized here as a lack of bananas. For simplicity's sake.

There are two kinds of monkeys, alpha monkeys and omega monkeys. The classification is often situational, but of course most people will be more inclined to take one role over the other.

Omega monkeys are generally afraid that the other monkeys in their own tribe will kill them or not allow them to have bananas. Omegas will strive to make themselves useful or servile to the tribe in an attempt to ingratiate themselves.
When another tribe attacks, omegas will try to make themselves look weak in an attempt to convince their own tribe that they need help defending themselves (human equivalent is pity).
When the tiger attacks, an omega will hide or try to make themselves appear not to be a monkey in order to convince the tiger not to eat it (deliberate and calculated nonconformity).

Alpha monkeys are generally in power. They will attack the other monkeys in their own tribe if the other monkeys try to usurp their position or take their bananas.
When another tribe attacks, alphas will try to get the other monkeys to fight along with them (seeing as the alphas are in power anyway, this could probably be propaganda, whether personal or national).
When the tiger attacks, the alpha will try to get all the other monkeys to fight along with them regardless of tribes. This is sometimes effective diplomacy, but often just results in the alpha dragging down everyone else with them in a losing battle.

Most misunderstandings and confrontations come from when two alphas try to treat each other as omegas (pissing contests, bravado), or when two omegas try to treat each other as alphas (mutual cringing and apologizing).



I know this is a depressing system, but it seems to be the way things work. It's what I've observed lately. Am getting Sheptoski to look it over. He's such an accomodating prof.

Comments

[vicfitz82.livejournal.com]

Isn't social psychology fun? Really makes a person feel small sometimes.