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kleenexwoman) wrote2004-12-17 01:52 am
kleenexwoman) wrote2004-12-17 01:52 am
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I was going to gloat about getting $101 for my textbooks today but... I don't feel like it and anyway I don't have $101 anymore, I spent some of it on a copy of Godel, Escher and Bach and a book about postmodernism. I already have a lot of books from the campus library that are going to be way overdue by the time I get back from vacation, and I haven't read almost any of them yet. I feel that's a waste of books. I have all these books that I should read, that my brain needs me to read, and I'm never going to read so many of them.
Incompleteness. Yin, yang. Nour has a point. (Or maybe I'm totally missing his point.) Maybe if I was in love I'd be happier, but I can't tell it from lust or admiration. I need to be able to tell so that I don't fuck up another relationship.
The thing is that I can't think of anything I could have done to make things better. If I had never become friends with her, I'd have missed out on a lot of really good times. I couldn't have stopped her from giving me the cold shoulder in 11th grade; she told me that was all her, she was running away and sorting things out. And if I had told her in 12th grade that I didn't want to date her, we couldn't even have been friends--she was very adamant on that point, of love versus friendship, where I can barely see the difference. And if I hadn't dumped her, I'd be in an unsatisfying, hollow relationship with a clingy madwoman.
It's very depressing to think that this is the best way it could have possibly turned out. I guess I gotta see it as one of them life learning experiences, am I rite guyz?
I've felt sick all day today. I mean, actual physical nausea. I don't know if it's from poor diet (pizza, cafeteria apples, and tea made with gross dorm water), exam stress and weird sleep schedule, or Tammy still. I almost threw up while I was taking my books back.
I've also been crying, which I hate. It's cathartic, true, but in the same way diarrhea is. Little things have made me cry. Squirrels. DrWorm's new story (damn you, I couldn't breathe after reading it). A Steely Dan song (not even the one that usually makes me cry). The knowledge that so many of my best friends are people I've never met in real life.
This kind of sucks, because if it keeps up I'm going to be weepy all through break. And I don't want to burst out crying in the middle of the Chanukah party, because that would really ruin everyone's night.
I'm worried that I'm actually depressed. I don't want to be depressed, but the only thing that I can think of to really change it is medication, and I hate being on medication.
I don't know. Maybe this is normal for everyone and they just pretend it's not. Maybe everyone's as fucked-up as the fucked-up people. Maybe there's no such thing as mental illness. Asperger's, depression, schizophrenia, we all have 'em and some people just can't hide it as well. Barring a sudden attack of telepathy, I have no way to tell.
Anyway, I'm going home tomorrow. I won't have a college 'Net connection until January 10th, so IM activities are going to be severely curtailed.
Incompleteness. Yin, yang. Nour has a point. (Or maybe I'm totally missing his point.) Maybe if I was in love I'd be happier, but I can't tell it from lust or admiration. I need to be able to tell so that I don't fuck up another relationship.
The thing is that I can't think of anything I could have done to make things better. If I had never become friends with her, I'd have missed out on a lot of really good times. I couldn't have stopped her from giving me the cold shoulder in 11th grade; she told me that was all her, she was running away and sorting things out. And if I had told her in 12th grade that I didn't want to date her, we couldn't even have been friends--she was very adamant on that point, of love versus friendship, where I can barely see the difference. And if I hadn't dumped her, I'd be in an unsatisfying, hollow relationship with a clingy madwoman.
It's very depressing to think that this is the best way it could have possibly turned out. I guess I gotta see it as one of them life learning experiences, am I rite guyz?
I've felt sick all day today. I mean, actual physical nausea. I don't know if it's from poor diet (pizza, cafeteria apples, and tea made with gross dorm water), exam stress and weird sleep schedule, or Tammy still. I almost threw up while I was taking my books back.
I've also been crying, which I hate. It's cathartic, true, but in the same way diarrhea is. Little things have made me cry. Squirrels. DrWorm's new story (damn you, I couldn't breathe after reading it). A Steely Dan song (not even the one that usually makes me cry). The knowledge that so many of my best friends are people I've never met in real life.
This kind of sucks, because if it keeps up I'm going to be weepy all through break. And I don't want to burst out crying in the middle of the Chanukah party, because that would really ruin everyone's night.
I'm worried that I'm actually depressed. I don't want to be depressed, but the only thing that I can think of to really change it is medication, and I hate being on medication.
I don't know. Maybe this is normal for everyone and they just pretend it's not. Maybe everyone's as fucked-up as the fucked-up people. Maybe there's no such thing as mental illness. Asperger's, depression, schizophrenia, we all have 'em and some people just can't hide it as well. Barring a sudden attack of telepathy, I have no way to tell.
Anyway, I'm going home tomorrow. I won't have a college 'Net connection until January 10th, so IM activities are going to be severely curtailed.