Re rock name: I tried to be advertised as "Captain Soviet" when my college band would get gigs (few and far between, and never paid in anything but beer). Like Captain America, get it? Actually, I didn't. It wasn't much of a joke, particularly as it didn't mean anything to me other than that I wore a Stalin-style military cap, wore a WWII "Order of Victory" medal on my suitcoat, and wrapped a hammer 'n sickle flag around my shoulders (all available from the fine folks at Sovietski.com) while playing, in addition to looking just generally bearded and menacing behind aviator sunglasses. On that note, too, don't forget about Handsome Dick Manitoba (nee Richard Blum) of the Dictators. "I think what we need is the handsomest man in rock and roll!" "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

I propose a new version for the holiday games: Russian Dreidel. Set the damn thing with an explosive device weighted on one of the sides and if you land it, ka-blooey.

Or some weird derivation of "Zyklon B" as "Cyclone," spinning as the top does . . .

JW, who is half-Jewish, for anyone reading this who gets outraged and wants to report him to the ADL